Episode One

I'm not a fanboy. I'm gonna start this off with that. I have never seen ANY Star Wars movies. Not one. I have seen enough parody of Star Wars to know certain things. I know who some people are, I know who someone becomes. Little things like that.

So I decided to finally watch all 6 Star Wars movies in order of Episode number. My buddy Seth informed me this was the best thing to do if your just getting into the whole Star Wars thing. I put in Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace. What a pile of crap. This could just be the worst movie I have ever watched.

Let me start off with the main reason most people don't like this. Jar Jar. I hated him, too. First, he's a very racist portrayal of a black guy. Very dumb talking, very racist 60s terms slipped into his everyday talk. In fact, his whole race is terrible. The head guy (i forget his name cause I was slipping in and out of a coma) does the very annoying blubbering with his mouth. Jar Jar gets hit with things, gets caught in things, ect. He is comic relief, and I use the term lightly. He was a Sunday morning cartoon comic relief. What self respecting action movie that is intended for teens and adults has a fart in it? Not one. It wasn't until later that I realized this movie is PG. PG! I got duped into watching a really bad kids movie. Not an intelligent kids movie like the Incredibles, but a power rangers type kids movie. I thought that Star Wars was a respectable action movie. Even Indiana Jones doesn't do things like this.

Next, mostly because everything that needed to be said about that jackass has been said, let me tackle the CG. It was bad. Really bad. Like film school movie bad. It seemed like they blew the whole budget on the fantastic back grounds and forgot about every thing else. Characters looked unreal, lighting was off, the ship was terrible. It was just bad. For a movie that was made to the tune of 120 million dollars, it looked like it was made using a discount 30 dollar software.

I'll go ahead and say it. For a movie called Star Wars, only one battle took place in space. That was a very annoying attack by Anakin and three actors who must have been Lucas' friends because they were terrible. Let's state the obvious. "Who's that coming out of the wing?"
"It's not one of our guys"
Uhh.

Speaking of stating the obvious, Yoda "There are always two, master and apprentice."
Sam Jackson "I wonder who was killed? Master of apprentice."
THAT LINE ISN'T NEEDED!!!!! The dialogue was terrible. So bad. Really unnatural lines, really dumb lines. This movie was made for 4 year olds. Nothing intellectual anywhere.

Speaking of racist. The viceroy and his lover, or what ever that guy was with him, spoke with really cheesy Asian accents. Why???? Did they come form Kung-Pow Planet? Why would aliens talk like Jamaicans and Asians? How hard is it to have someone talk with an alien accent? Farscape, Stargate, Fifth Element, all these made new accents. George Lucas isn't even trying. The big fight scene in the movie was between robots and a race that everyone wanted to see die. It was boring. Killing Liam Neesian was predictable, you killed the only good bad guy in the movie and we didn't even get to see it! He gets cut in half and then his very computerized body tumbles down a shaft.

The only thing that was remotely good about this movie was Sam Jackson, Liam, Natalie Portman, and dare I say it, Ewan McGregor. How did that happen. Everything else was terrible. The next movies have better be good.